Remember Me

Remember us, and all we used to be...

I win! ...And lose...
So the win first! I went to challenge that wimpy mattress again today. I totally won. The box spring he brought as backup almost pulled me down the stairs, but I defeated them both. I actually ended up getting a better mattress, too. The store that was supposed to have it on hold for me accidentally sold it, so they upgraded me to a better one for free. So now i own the SECOND shittiest mattress in the world (seriously, I hurt my butt trying to sit on the other one. It sucked. This one is only marginally better, but hey). And it didn't fall off the top of my car, and only looked a little doofus-y. Now to build the frame and such...

But my lose? That damn good-for-nothing ex-roommate of mine completely humiliated me. I went down to his house to pick up a few of my things that had to be left behind (used to be MY house, after all), and he just couldn't resist starting yet another fight, bitching me out AGAIN for all the problems in his life, blah blah blah. You know, his usual idiocy. How I've never done anything nice for him, how it's MY fault he won't get a car, a job, or anything...though I gave up what I wanted to do with my life just to help him, let him live with me, tried to help him get his license, a car, and whatnot, left him my fucking apartment and moved out when I should've just thrown him out. For over two years I bent over backwards trying to help this asshole. But now that I'm sick of putting up with the abuse, being called a horrible person, having him say I'm not doing enough, being stolen from, and left him so I can actually have some peace in my life and so he can grow the hell up, he figures I can just go to hell. So yeah, big fucking fight when I try to just come and get MY things. I'm sick of being treated like that. And he drags the neighbors into it. They were another main reason I wanted to leave and never come back. These people are the biggest bitches in the world. They do nothing but yell at me and tell me I'M wrong in this, that I "put him in a situation" (whatever the fuck that means), and that he didn't do anything. Well, I blew up on this woman today. And i usually do NOT yell at people that are practically strangers. But damn it, this bitch from hell deserved it. I told her straight out that I'm sick of being judged by someone who doesn't even know the situation, that it's his fault, not mine, all things he's done, and that I have every damn right to be mad, then I slammed my car door in her face and drove off. And that asshole of a former "friend" just stood by and watched while this blithering idiot chewed ME out for something he knows is HIS fault. And he's been doing it for years. Lying to her as to what the fighting is about, letting me take the heat from her every time she wants to open her big bitchy yap. That was honestly the final straw with all of this. I will NOT put up with any person who will throw an innocent person under the train just to save their own damn worthless ass. Especially one who won't even apologize for it or set things straight. He feels no remorse. He's one of these spoiled, arrogant brats who's just out for himself, and I'm someone who's nice to a fault. Not a good mix. Well, I did have one success. When he went on his tirade about how I never do anything nice, my response was to take back the cell phone that I bought and that I still carry the bill for. I never do anything nice huh? He won't be needing to use MY phone anymore, then. I can now cut that bill in half and make some money selling the phone. He wanted not nice? He got it. I should have also taken back MY computer monitor that he's using with his broken laptop. Damn, pretty much everything he has is because I was nice enough to let him use it. Now I fear I won't get back any of my other things in storage there. Lousy git probably won't give them back. I could give a shit less about most of them, but he's got three of my plants (including a hibiscus I've had for years that I got when my grandpa died), two aquariums, and my two pet goldfish. I haven't been able to afford stands for the aquariums or insect treatments for the plants (his nasty house is now full of bugs that I don't want to bring into my home), and he told me I could keep them there until I could afford it. Just like this prick to go back on his word. He always does. I'm sick and tired of having to spend my hard-earned money to replace stuff HE destroyed, stole, or lost. And there's a hell of a lot of it. Now I'll have to go out and buy a new carrier for my cat, all new Christmas decorations, new gardening supplies, a new iron and ironing board, and shit-tons more that I had in storage for when I can FINALLY use my one big closet to store all of it (right now, my big hall closet houses the litter box, and until I can get a litter box cabinet, I can't store anything in there). And sadly, the police will be of no use. Since I'm no longer on the lease, I have no legal claim to anything on the property. I didn't think he was ridiculous enough for me to even have to consider calling the cops. I should never have underestimated his pettiness. One thing's for sure: I don't think I'll ever go out of my way to help somebody again. If this is what I get for being kind, fuck the world. I've got to take care of me.

Life is unfair. u__u
Why, you ask? Because Les Miserables will be playing less than an hour from me next week and I don't have the money to go. *Sobs* I've wanted to see this musical so badly for soooo long. The tickets aren't even that pricey. One level below Gold (the best seating) is only $88. D: I theoretically could go, but...I need those computer parts, too. u__u And I shouldn't spend any more with my job on the line.

Speaking of my really has gone to hell. Almost the whole shift was sent home early. The only people who stayed were people who asked explicitly to stay. I had that whole god damn warehouse to myself, pretty much. I saw not a soul after 8 pm. It was the longest, most boring day EVER. I had practically nothing to do, so I just goofed off. I drew some rather silly pictures. But seriously, time CRAWLS when there's nothing to do in that place. I was actually happy when my RF scanner crashed because it gave me something to do for twenty minutes. Next week is already slated to be short because of Thanksgiving and Black Friday...and the rest of this week is probably;y going to be much like today. e__e It's so tempting to just leave early with everyone else, but I needs that money. I don't know why no one understands why I hate capitalism.

And MORE drama. What. The. Fuck?! As if I need any more of that shit. Getting fucking yelled at AGAIN by someone who owes ME money! Like they have room to yell at me. They owe me nearly a grand by this point, along with physical possessions they destroyed and need to pay for or replace. I still pay this person's cell phone bill, under the agreement that he gets his half to me ON TIME. I asked for this money two weeks ago, as the bill is due in four days, and I pay ahead of time so I don't get fucked by a transaction delay or what have you. I wanted to already have it payed, but this ass has not called, has not given me the money for the bill, didn't even bother to write down when it was due when I told him. And when I call to tell him to get that fucking money here (as well as money a co-worker asked me to get from him for dues owed), what response do I get? "Fuck you." Fuck me? Really? No sir, fuck YOU. In a very unenjoyable way with power tools. Well, I'm done being nice. I don't think I've ever been so commanding in my life as I was tonight. I WILL have that fucking money. I will NOT continue being easy on that fucker like I have been. I scared myself. Because I don't just yell stupidly like most girls...I fucking take charge. I told that ass he will be here tonight with at least the cash for the bill he's running up or the phone gets disconnected. NAO. And anyone without a phone these days is royally screwed. Good. He needs to learn a lesson. No, that's not mean. It's the truth. This kid (I can't acknowledge him as a real adult) is the most selfish, rude, ungrateful brat I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with. I can't even believe he was ever my friend. Guess he never was, seeing as now that I'm not giving him whatever he wants all he has to say to me is "fuck you." Well, he'll eat those words. I've got him by the balls with this phone thing. He loses the phone, he can't get a job, an apartment, anything. We'll see how "awful" I was when he sees what it's like to REALLY have nothing.

Guh. I was actually in an okay mood when I got home. Was gonna have some sausage and watch My Little Pony, just kinda relax...but then: my key wouldn't work in the lock and it took me forever to get inside (and it's bloody cold tonight), then that fight, then I spilled the hermit crabs' food everywhere, then I found out Les Miz is playing really close and I can't go, then I realized the new episode of My Little Pony isn't out yet...fuck this night. I have a headache and no appetite and will probably sleep like shit. And I have more errands than I can handle tomorrow, and will probably ruin it with my horrible procrastination that I'm having a really tough time breaking for some reason. I really wish I had at least one nice friend to talk to. That would be such a help. Always was when I had them. But...being alone is synonymous with being me, I guess. Later, world.

Make it quick
As usual, I should be in bed. Just a quick update for my invisible and/or imaginary readers:

My job is soon to be gone. All the temps on my shift got the axe today, and the low-seniority full-time folks like me will be next to go. I expect my sixty-day notice any day now. We weren't expected to last past January anyhow. I've known that for a while, but it didn't really hit me. I don't know if it really has, still. I hate that. I'm gonna try to stick around for the severance, which is a $250 lump sum bonus and an additional three weeks of full pay after lay-off. Not the greatest, but it would help a lot. Needless to say, I'll also be pulling unemployment again. My benefit amount should be near $200 a week this year. And I'll be putting in resumes like crazy for new jobs. Hoping to land something first shift this time. This getting home at 11:30-midnight shit has got to stop. I need some time to look forward to after work.

Other than that...bought Skyrim (I really shouldn't have spent that money). Can't play it. :/ I need a much better video card, and the one that will work the best for the best price will run me a good two-hundred bucks. Plus $20 or so for a bigger power supply to support it. Gar. I may hit up Micro Center on Black Friday for those, and then I know someone who will install them for me for free. I shouldn't spend that money. I should be hoarding for the winter, what with diminishing work hours, shorter checks, and the impending lay-off, but I just can't bring myself to give a fuck. I want my Skyrim, damn it. THEN I'll be done spending. Until April. u___u

Anything else? Well, still feeling kinda lonely. Hoping that people aren't out and about spreading too many lies about me. They said they were going to go and tell people I'm a creepy stalker. So far, I've heard nothing from anyone. I hope they just drop it and grow up a little. I didn't do anything. I'm not a psycho, like some people for some reason like to think. People don't like me, I leave them alone. *shrug* I'm a very peaceable person. Maybe that's why people like to fuck with me? I just especially hate it when they drag unrelated people into it. You got a beef with me, come to me about it. Seriously. Leave other people out of it.

All in all, I'm pretty blank and numb. Life is passing damn fast. I'm already 22, and I don't remember the majority of what I've done in my life so far. I don't have a clue what I want to do with the rest of it, aside from making some friends. This year is almost over. It seems just yesterday I was celebrating the new year with my friend from work. No...that was two years ago. Fuck. The work week passes in a blur, and the weekend goes by faster. And I accomplish nothing. I feel nothing. I feel like I'm wasting a lifetime, but I don't honestly give a fuck. I'm expending all my time and energy on just basic survival, making it through the day. Always hoping tomorrow brings something better, but that's the funny thing about's always a day away. I don't like living like this, but at the same time, I don't care. I don't feel a thing. I wish I could care. This isn't right. I don't know what to do. I wish something would happen to point me in the right direction. I don't feel like doing anything at all, and that will be my undoing eventually. I need purpose. Drive. If anyone hears

Shit, I gotta go to bed. I seriously need to stop staying up so late.

Writer's Block: It's payday!
What would you do if you had a million dollars?

Psh, a lot. I was actually thinking about this earlier today.

I'd get a new car, like a super-awesome one. Dunno which.

I'd get the new video card (and bigger power supply I need to support it) I need to play Skyrim.

I'd prolly buy a house, but not have one built or anything. My million would run short quick building and outfitting a house.

I'd go all-out on a bird room for said house. And in it I'd put that cockatiel hen I want. Fiiiiire, I miss you. ;__;

My kitty would get all sorts of cool shit. XD

I've always wanted to leave a really cool waiter or waitress a tip of a thousand bucks or so. :D

Failures upon failures...
I decided, at roughly 10 pm, that I could spare the money to go pick up a copy of the new Elder Scrolls game (that game is the whole reason I bought this computer). Sadly, Game Stop had just closed. I trotted over to Wal-Mart, which is supposed to have EVERYTHING, right? Oh, they had the Xbox and PS3 versions, but no. PC. Version. The Elder Scrolls games were INTENDED for PC! Y u no have, Wal-Mart?! So then I ran to Target. Closed. Meijer. Did not have! >___< Out of stores that would be open or might have it in this area, I grudgingly returned home empty-handed. I'm totally going to Game Stop tomorrow, though. I WILL SLAY DRAGONS BEFORE ANOTHER SUN HAS SET.

The challenger never showed up for his own fight. So now...I've not been squished, but I also didn't get to totally pwn that mattress and keep it as a trophy. I did see him, wimp. I can take him. NEXT WEEK! >____<

Yeah, they're out of the mattress set I want...I paid to have one held when they get the shipment in this coming week. >.> I'm not weird. <.

Just in case I don't come back...
Can't say I didn't warn you, anyone who reads this...Invisible Hat Man. Anyone else. This may be the last time I write to you, because I'm off to fight to the death with...a mattress. *Breaks down sobbing* Remember me fondly!

XDD I'm so fucking weird, I know. But yeah, I've gotta go buy a mattress set, and I've got to somehow finangle a full-size mattress and box spring up the stairs to my apartment by myself. I may well get knocked over and flattened by it. I'm not that large. But I'm sick of sleeping on the floor. I don't feel like paying extra for professional delivery (and don't have the money for it anyway), so I'm going to have to attempt to tie it to my car and bring it back myself. I swore I would never do something so...OHIO-ISH as tying a mattress to the roof of a car, but desperate times call for desperate measures, baby. The guys at the store said they've tied full-sizes to the tops of cars before (hopefully they do mean CARS, and not SUVs or vans...), so it should be okay? ^^; I just hope I can get it down from the car and into the apartment. u_u; It'll be an adventure, that's for sure. I'm also going to stop by Ikea to get some fancy pillows. <3

Back soon. Alive or dead by mattress attack, I'm not sure.

I was looking at the "my guests" thingy on here, and I had an invisible guest. That means...someone read this journal?! :O The invisible guest icon for some reason amuses me...and looks like he should have a hat. That's why I have named him Invisible Hat Man. And I think he may be my new best friend. Because Invisible Hat Man cared enough to come here, read this, go "WTF" and leave. XD

So today is Fridaaaaaay...oh shit, it turned Saturday seventeen minutes ago. Never mind. Ack, i was so hyper toward the end of work and on the way home, and when I got here...but my energy goes away now. Tired now. x___x I was so ready to party, though. It sucks not having anyone to go out on Friday night with...I almost always hit the skating rink with my buddies on Friday nights back in the day in high school. Then occasionally went drag racing. >.> Then played video games all night. Damn, I miss people! Just in general. This place is so dead, and it makes me feel dead, too. I almost never see my neighbors. I'm convinced a few of them died. There are six units in my building, and I know five are occupied, but I hardly see anyone. I've only talked to one of them, the old lady in unit Z1 downstairs. There are hardly ever even any cars here. o__O I like being surrounded by activity. Feeling all that energy and aliveness. That's what made living at the dorms so nice...there was always some weird shit going down. I don't even know what there is to do around here...I guess go to bars or clubs? Ugh, I'd feel so awkward going by myself, though. I always get creeped on by really drunk guys. -.-; Bars bore me, anyway. And they smell like...drunks. You know...misery, sweat, and shame. I used to get dragged out to one once in awhile in college, and I didn't care for that scene.

I dunno if I was just hypomanic or hopped up on caffeine, but I felt pretty okay most of the day. Prolly 'cause I was off in happy places in my head. Because I look around, and nothing is different...same old boring nothingness. Is it...a sign that I'm losing it by being so happy about stuff that's only in my head? My shrink thought so. She was quite interested in my imaginary friends. I mean justly so; they're cool as shit. real people have become my imaginary friends, if that makes sense. I talk to old friends in my head. I think that makes me a little crazy. But if it makes me feel better, should I stop it? I feel okayish right now. But I know bad things may happen if I retreat too far into my own world. It's starting to feel real. I have these stupid notions sometimes that if I pretend hard enough, it will be made real. Weird, I know. I do a lot of weird shit. Like today at work I tried to use my scanner gun as a time machine. It all started when I got bored and decided to Livejournal-stalk my seventeen-year-old self. Reading back in old entries, I found out that Friday the Thirteenth back in October of '06 was a really good day for me. So I got the stupid thought at work that maybe my scanner was a time machine, and if I changed the date on it, I'd go to that point in time! :D Not that I REALLY believed it, but I decided to do it anyway. You never know, right? So I set it to October 13th, 2006 at 2:03 pm. And GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? Nothing, yeah. u__u I'm so weird sometimes. I try to make myself believe the stupidest shit sometimes, just to make myself feel better. Kind of like how some people turn to religion just for something to believe in at a bad time. I still make wishes if I lose an eyelash, see a shooting star, see the first star of the night, see the clock at 11:11, toss a penny into a fountain, and all those other things that only ten-year-old girls believe in. Hey, those wishes came true before. Maybe they will again (just let me have this, people; I'm tired of being miserable)!

Hmm, what to do? I think I may watch Gravitation. It's a really awesome anime I started watching a while back with a friend, but I never got to finish it. Yeah, I think I will. The music from that anime makes me so happy and hyper. It's infectious. Totally watching it in Japanese this time around, though. I'm seriously considering becoming fluent in Japanese. But Rosetta Stone be expensive. I knew a guy who was in the process of learning it, and he said RS worked well (he's the closest to being fluent in it besides the people actually FROM Japan I've known). It's be awesome to visit there one day. It's my kind of culture; uber-social. People there actually derive happiness from social bonds, rather than material crap like Americans. My favorite sociology professor described it this way: "Take breakfast for example. Americans derive their pleasure fro9m the food they're eating. The Japanese derive happiness from the people they share the food with." Sounds exactly like what I've always tried to explain makes ME happy, but that idea got terrible reception from my American friends. Asian foreigners are probably on the whole the nicest people I've ever met. They just strike up conversations with you, instead of glaring at you across the room and deciding fifty reasons to not talk to you before even trying. Oldish Asian guy at work the other day was working some overtime on my shift in breakcase, and I had so much fun talking to him and working with him. The only person that seemed genuinely interested in interacting with me in a long time, and also one of the only adults I've seen that actually LAUGHS and has fun. He almost hit an old lady in the face with a box and we cracked up (the old lady did too, don't worry; she's fine). Now every time i see him on the way out, he enthusiastically greets me and we exchange a few words. I wonder what country he's from...I don't recognize the ethnicity of his name (can't spell it, either, psh). Every time I go to the Asian market here, too, people love me. ^^ And old Korean ladies at the grocery store who need assistance getting items from the top shelf. XDD But yeah...I'd love to travel to Asia.

I shouldn't be here, but I am...
I should be getting ready for work...but I'm online instead. x.x

Doing okayish this morning. Things are still on my mind, of course. tends to happen when shit ends with anger on one end and confusion and injustice on my end. Something I'm used to, though. *Shrugs* If it's meant to be worked out, it'll work out. I have to believe that. Considering getting a tarot deck in light of this, actually. All readings done on me tend to come out right. And are blunt and unmistakeable in meaning, which is exactly how I like things. They're so blunt that whenever I used to have a friend do a reading on me, my other friends would come and watch because they were always amused by the obviousness and bluntness of it. And I liked watching his readings, too, because they were strange. The good things were always against him, but the bad things always were in his favor. " honesty, courage, and willingness to help people is going to get me in trouble, but some major catastrophe that wrecks my life is going to bring about something good. Huh." XD I'll have to get my own deck and do a reading on myself this time, old reader was that deadbeat roommate I had to cut off, and he's just about five kinds of pissy over that. e__e There's a deck I've had my eye on, though. I may get it this weekend if I have the money.

One of the reasons I liked the Persona games so much is their connection to the tarot. Though that's such a shitty reading at the beginning. "The tower? Ah shit dude, you're FUCKED." XDD While most cards can have positive or negative connotations depending on their place in the reading and the question at hand (including death and the devil), the tower is universally recognized as the "oh shit" card.

I'm gonna go get ready now though. I swear. In a little. >.>

After waking up
After thinking about it (helps that I'm fully in my right mind now) and re-sorting the facts, I realize I've been duped. I've been duped about being duped. That person told me many times (recently, in fact) that they did indeed care about me. Loved me, in fact. They said they "decided against" doing anything about it, or maybe they meant decided against having those feelings...but you can't decide what to feel. That's just the red flag of denial. They told me as well that they're scared of that being true about them. Another red flag pointing to forced denial. Told me that they care about all their friends, but often push them away out of hatred of themselves.

So...fuck you, you still care about me. If you ever read this, you'll know who you are. Just the fact that you ARE reading this means you care. Whether you admit it or not. You'll have to face it eventually. And I'll be here when you do. That's something worth holding on for. YOU'RE worth holding on for, just like always. Thank you for unwittingly returning my will to live. Told you it had nothing to do with whether or not you'll speak to me.

Keep in mind that this is the truth. Any lapses in sanity that occur henceforth and cause me to speak to the contrary are just that: lapses in sanity. I should not be held accountable for things I say due to mental illness. I will get my medication when I can, but that may be a while. Bear with me, as venting the random thoughts in my mind, no matter how bizarre and twisted, is how I cope with my illness in lieu of a real person to talk to. I'm trying to save myself (and therefore living up to what I was told to do) by doing so.

Thank you for reading, invisible people. Hope your day is as full of enlightenment as mine. Work awaits; bye for now.


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